I am still so in love with the person I thought you could be that I forgot to fall in love with who I’ve become without you.
my best friend told me a story about a girl she knows that wrote down everything she wanted in a boy (her future husband, actually), and she refused to settle for anything less. so i thought there would be no harm in making my own list.
i have 13 things i need in a future husband, do you think that’s too much to ask or do you have some of those on your list too?
MAYBE I MISS THE WAY YOU THROW YOUR HEAD BACK WHEN YOU LAUGH BECAUSE I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO LAUGH IN MONTHS AND MAYBE I MISS YOUR BASEBALL HATS AND THE WAY YOU SOMETIMES WORE THEM BACKWARDS BUT MAYBE I MISS THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE BECAUSE IT SAID THINGS NO ONE HAD EVER ACTUALLY MEANT AND BROUGHT BACK THE HOPE IN MY EYES AND MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, I DON’T ACTUALLY MISS YOU BUT INSTEAD I JUST MISS THE IDEA THAT SOMEONE AS HAPPY AND HONEST AS YOU COULD LOVE SOMEONE AS SAD AND BRUISED AS ME
i guess i should start off this post with a big happy new year to you lovely readers! i thought i’d write up a long ramble engulfing all of the thoughts i’ve had within the past few days about the new year and, what changes i’m going to be making to my oh so hard teenage life.
so, to start off this monstrosity, let’s start off with my health! i have always struggled with self-esteem issues as do most teen girls. but, i unfortunately have always had parents who also enjoy reminding me of how poorly i take care of myself. so for that, i want to become a healthier me. i want to stress the word healthy because although i would enjoy to be thinner, my main goal of this year is just to be healthy. that obviously includes working out and smarter meal choices and maybe washing my hair more or something. however, i also mean for it to include mental health. if you’ve read my poems you may know i do struggle with self-harm and it took quite a hold of my life this past year. that’s why in 2014, in order to be healthier, i want to reduce my self-harm until i don’t need it anymore. therefore, new years resolution #1: be healthy both physically and mentally. i want to be a healthy person in every which way.
secondly, as a university student, it is most likely assumed that i have little funds during the school year. and this is very very true. although i do work up to 20 hours a week, i always find myself with little to no money to show for it at the end of a pay period. why? food. coffee. gas. i am always spending my money on little things here and there when im out and about. and this is why new years resolution #2: save money. when i say this i don’t mean that i won’t ever buy myself a coffee or i won’t drive anywhere just to not have to buy gas. i just need to reduce my general impulsive spending and learn how to budget.
moving on again, friendships have been a big part of my life all through 2013. from my graduation to the ones who have moved away to college and to the new ones i’ve made since, there have been many changes. i have found myself a really fucking great group of friends over the past few months. i’ve been able to keep a small number of girls in my life that i would do anything for and a new small number of guys that i love hanging out with. all these wonderful people in my life have also showed me how shitty some of the other people are, too. so, new years resolution #3: get rid of negative people. i need to get rid of the negative friends and friendships that i have allowed to linger, or at least tell the negative people how i’m feeling about them. either this will change them or get rid of them and that’d all i could possibly ask for.
finally, new years resolution #4: be nice. i had to save the best for last! this resolution of mine is so incredibly straight forward. i just want to be nice. i want to be a nice person and do nice things and be nice to those i love as well as myself. i want people to know me as just being so incredibly nice and wonderful to be around. nothing will ever be more rewarding than that.
i am very proud of the resolutions i have made for 2014 and i am so excited to accomplish them. along with school, my job and my wonderful friends and family, i can already see this year is brighter than the last and that makes me so unbelievably happy. although i am definitely still in a fairly rocky place, i’m actually able to believe there is a light at the end of this tunnel and i’m ready to reach it.
long live. here’s to all the pretender’s, we will be remembered.
cheers,
j
we're all disguised souls 